Woke up early...er today, ate cereal, and went w/ Ryan to exercise for 45 minutes. 30 minutes of ellipticals, plus some upper-body weights.

Weight limit (~3-6 reps) - bench press 80lb, pull-down 130lb, butterfly 60 lb. And I can do a few pullups on the pulldown machine - I weigh 135, so if I set it to 150lb, kneel, and cross my legs it's not too bad. Should probably mostly be doing lighter weights at more reps though, since I'm more interested in being lithe-strong than bulky.

It's interesting to note that on the elliptical machine, I didn't get the shortness of breath and hurting shoulder / chest that I normally do when running; perhaps that is mostly a matter of jarring? Or perhaps I just wasn't pushing hard enough to reach that point. I was sweating a bit and wobbly-legged by the end of it, but I wouldn't say that it was a strenuous workout.

Hopefully we'll be able to make this a daily ritual. Would help get in better shape, and it's a good way to wake up in the morning.

I'm in better shape than I'd expect given that I'm pretty sedentary and don't especially control my diet, but then my diet tends towards more healthy foods because they taste better to me. I'd like to have better aerobic condition & better strength though. Gaining some muscle tone (and removing the small amount of bellyfat I have) would be nice.

Should see if I can get my dad's bike (it's now sitting dusty and neglected), start using that some... and maybe make Ryan start biking (9 miles) to BART for school. ^^

My friends are awesome.

I've lately been feeling very glad to be alive.

And I'm glad to be the me I am now.

Still much work to be done, but damn, the roses smell good.

I wonder if this is what it's like?

I feel... remarkably calm, less caring for myself than for another, yet still present. Not dissociated from my own feelings, just... non-attached. It's faintly eerie in the zen way.

There's a certain sense of this being a balancing act - a somewhat poor metaphor since there is nothing being balanced, just the feeling of having to keep balanced so as not to fall out of it. But in the meantime, it's rather quiet. Calm. Reassuring, even.

let me not seek to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
to be loved as to love

*nod*

It is good to be making some more progress with that, finally.

Perhaps another couple decades really will do. I had thought that was so absurd as to be humor, not arrogance.

I wonder whether I can keep it up, and whether, if this is what it's like, it will always have this quality of trying to sit still on top a large ball - with any imbalance, it would be already too late to start bracing for impact; with any tension, it would be impossible to sit still.

I should start aikido again.

I want to see the ocean.

To sleep beneath the full set of stars again.

To hike up somewhere, camp for the night curled up against someone I'm close to, get up before sunset and reach the top of a mountain in time to watch the sun rise - to watch the sunrise all around me.

To soak up the beauty, hold it fiercely for a moment, and release it, like an orgasm.

To capture that glow, suffuse it into myself, imprint it, transform myself yet again so that when it wears off I am that much closer to a permanent alchemy.

To feel small-yet-vast, and not just small.



It would be nice to visit Yosemite again for a weekend; drive up Friday night/Sat morning, leave mid Monday. 4 hours drive each way and $20... worth it. Wilderness permits should be very easy to get without reservations needed, since it's not May yet. Last time, we went up to Half Dome, which was gorgeous (though difficult). I'd like something not quite so much a straight up-down; a rolling crestwalk of some sort perhaps would be very nice.

Should fix my water purifier though; hopefully it's just the batteries.

I'm not sure I would have the will to do it by myself, though.

As I mentioned, I saw Hedwig last night. And I've talked to a few people who seem more or less strongly genderqueer, in both directions.

I'm not sure I quite understand it - the whole idea of gender as something salient. For most people it seems like a background guide for normativity - more explicitly so for guys trying to be 'masculine' and thus choosing whether to do something because it is or isn't 'masculine'; I haven't heard many girls say something equivalent to 'that's not something real guys do'.

Genderqueer folk are somewhat confusing to me in more or less the same way; they do have a salient gender they want to be more like (which perhaps doesn't happen to be the one they're born into), or maybe vacillate, or construct a new one from components of each, or aim for something specifically off spectrum. I don't know how much of this is for self and how much is impression management; probably always both to some extent because gender is so strongly influenced by how one is treated, so if one is treated as an X then it's nice if X is what one identifies as also. And if anything, it seems that trans folk are more likely to be more strongly gendered than nontrans; viz. drag queens often aiming for an over-the-top view of femininity, or butch girls aiming for something fairly macho.

I don't particularly find it confusing that they would have an identity that's not what they're born to, or that they would find things dissonant if identity and treatment or behavior don't match. That's totally understandable really. I just don't understand why the strong mental genderedness in the first place.

As for myself... I'm pretty definitely physically male, and have never wanted to be different. (It's a lot simpler, for one... poor uterus-bearers, getting kicked in the stomach a couple days a month just for having the option to then go through childbirth.) To the extent that I'm not completely dysmorphic*, I like my body. But nothing on the masculinity / femininity / genderfuck plane has an attraction for me. I don't think of myself as 'neuter' either, just... whatever-I-am, I suppose. It's not something that particularly affects me except when I extrospect like this.

I'm not sure how I compare to any of the usual genders; Audrey and V both described me a couple times as being some gender of my own, and they had more time to observe what I'm like naturally than most people. I find it rather hard to do that comparison myself for some reason. I've been told that the sort of stillness I have is a more masculine one, for being center-outward; that if I am arrogant, that it's an odd sort that doesn't seem to play the usual dominance / posturing games. For that matter, I don't seem to have an automatic monitoring sense of that meta-communication (which has been occasionally problematic); I mostly just try towards truth and understanding, not to have some effect on an audience. (This is probably something I should change, as it's rather maladaptive socially.)

* And I am sometimes very body-dysmorphic; it can feel like a very very strange shell with which to interact with the world, by which to be perceived, etc. I have never really felt comfortable with my reflection; it doesn't look like 'me', but then I have no good concept of what 'me' would look like either, so I can't say why it doesn't...

Generally I seem to be drifting more towards neutrality over time, with one exception: that simple-complex thing I refer to as "calm brilliance". That is something I very strongly identify with, feel dissonance when / inasmuch as I don't match it, and very intentionally try hard to shape myself towards. I suppose that's a lot like gender, ne? And it's a sweeping enough identity to be of the same scope as gender. This is far more central to my self-concept than anything else I can think of and so it's hard to overstate how important it is; perhaps that's why I often feel like I can't get others to understand "me". It's an unusual thing to identify by, and a hard one to explain or understand except through gnosis. Hmm.


It seems to me that this view of gender (or lack thereof?) is what "makes me" bisexual. Like most people, I generally am attracted to people who are similar-complementary to me (or who fit my self-concept at least). Gender is one aspect of that; I've always gone mostly for androgynes of one sort or another, people who aren't strongly gendered in any particular direction. Where they are gendered, I find it curious in about the same way as I would any other aspect of them I didn't identify with myself (like an interest in some hobby I don't share): something to learn from and about, and neutral to attractiveness.

I'm not sure how this meshes with my definitely increased recent preference for guys. Perhaps it's just sexual curiosity, but it doesn't seem so (though that's definitely an aspect; libido is running high lately); there is some aspect of gendered attraction specifically that clearly means I'm making some sort of male/female sex distinction, which means that my self-understanding of gender per above is missing something.... which makes me more curious.

Starting a relationship again feels... strange but very much what I want (difficult as it is to admit strongly wanting anything). Reminds me a lot of the beginning, with Audrey. Trying to keep some semblance of grounded nonattachment, but that's proving rather hard. I guess I'll find out how it goes, ne. It's been a long time since I heard someone call me きみ; still has the same effect. And all this is totally human/normal, but both very melty/enjoyable/restful, and dissonant with my stillness-identity. Confusing. Which explains why I (unusually) feel a need to talk it out.

WWBD? Meditate, recenter into calm brilliance, make all possibilities fully okay, and wait. *wry smile*


I wonder how often others have this sort of complex inner life. It's hard to tell; most people don't talk about it, and that doesn't tell me whether it's there or not. For that matter, I don't normally talk about it; most of it gets expressed here, as I find writing much easier than talking for most things, and very few people actually ask me questions that would get at it (and want to hear the answer).

I've been told occasionally by others that it's unusual, but they rarely are talking about themselves too, so it's hard to know if they're right or not. Maybe it's one of those things everyone thinks they're unique in, and most people are just not used to talking about.

Edit: I had intended to post this High, but slipped up and made it public. I think I'll leave it that way.

Happens to be the name of the comic I'm reading, but it's always a strong metaphor anyhow. It seems to apply.

So, I'm clearly quite depressed again. This time around, it's tinged with other things. I feel genuinely happy a lot of the time. I can be, and usually am, practically kitten-bouncy around friends even. And that's not faked. So it's a strange sort of depression; not quite like last time.

But, I am starting to trigger-dissociate. It's been a while since that happened on anything like a regular basis, and I'm worried. My mindstate-control is slipping in the obvious ways.

More of a concern is that the touch I've been getting lately - which btw is more than in a long while, for which I'm grateful - hasn't been penetrating well. Not lasting as long past the moment as it did before. Partially because I'm semi-dissociating, partially because it's starting to get recursive and harder to fill.

I don't think this is something others can fix or even satiate, short of a loving boyfriend perhaps (and even then I would be greatly reluctant to put that on him). My satiation point is just too high, and I don't think that the touch-need is even the source. Just a symptom. Of what, I'm not sure, which is itself strange. Wanting to feel loved? Yet there are a couple people who profess to, and that doesn't penetrate, so it's not a good enough answer. So I don't know.

The last two years have been increasingly hard. And still the itching feeling that I'm just shy of another changing-point, and simply lacking the gnosis or the willpower or enough faith to jump. Always has to be all-or-nothing, ne...


A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last


I have faith that this will turn around though. Some things have been getting better. I'm seen more friends more frequently. I have gotten some work done.

One of those friends asked me recently if I thought I would make bodhisattva in this lifetime. For the first time, I'm sure that the answer is yes. It's perhaps a cold and broken hallelujah, but it's a yes. I'm sure.

I don't know why for that, either. The alternatives... rut out into simply cold and broken; go insane; falsely convince myself that I have succeeded through sheer arrogance... I guess they're still there and always will be. And it's still just a flickering sort of glimmer. And I still sometimes think that maybe for once I've aimed too high. But I have, so far, never really woken up enough to try. I coast very well, after all, and I like being cozy.

It occurs to me that flame and void has an ironic full-circle contrast, here; that that dissociative should also be associative is appropriate. It is cold out there. And everyone is afraid of being too brilliant.

If this is mania, it's a strange sort. I feel... not fervency, not resignation, not even any particular energy or gung-ho, just ... a very tired and worn-out faith. It'll be a long night yet. There's so very much work to do. Most of it things that my friends can't really help with, besides by being present to help me remember to breathe, and to hold a space for me to rest and work.


The thing I like most about the Hill at sunset is when the cloud-sea rolling in, making an island of a hilltop in the near distance. When I first came there - years ago, now; it seems like so long - I thought it really was the sea, and that that hill with the brilliant emerald green swath to its peak was an island. I didn't realize that though you can see the ocean from there, it's a lot farther away than that. When the sun comes up, you can see it's all one continuous rolling surface.

I think it's more beautiful at sunset though, when on a good day, you can watch the sky turn from clear blue to radiant reds to a quiet pastel canvas; watch as the cloud-sea fills the valley, makes an island of the other hill, and finally makes an island of the Hill itself, with the stars coming in and out above; hear silence and wind and wolf-howls and birds and insects and your own breath... and silence.

It's a good backdrop for alchemy.

(Triggered by banjomensch)

I think that what many people call "feeling the presence of God" is approximately the same as what I call the mindstate of calm brilliance. For theists and people practicing various esoteria, I imagine it feels more like an outside force (personified, perhaps) that one is merely channeling or being a vessel for. I'm arrogant enough to consider it my own.

Things that can trigger it vary. This includes things like hills and other beauty (usually natural); affection (skritching, cuddles, etc), really good food, or other hedonism; working on particularly interesting projects that require syncretism; acting as grounding / warm-cloak for others (~= love?).

But depending on triggers stays with the roller coaster model of events, i.e. things happening to you and your mindstate being something that cannot be directly controlled, but merely experienced in spite of oneself, and perhaps something one can influence by choosing the appropriate triggering situations.

Most transformative spiritual paths I have seen seem to, optimally, lead one to being in that mindstate constantly.

Those that are theist purport that the human in question is nothing, is merely embodying some larger force. I can't speak to whether it is true or not, as I am agnostic about most of the relevant empirical questions. However, I think it is problematic in that it reduces one's self-determination and instills a dependency that is, IMHO, false. That dependency in turn can and often is taken advantage of. (Viz. religious conflicts throughout history, religious cults, etc.) That's a side point however.

So, what I am trying to work on is, essentially, this same thing - making that mindstate permanent, or constant. I'm not sure if it would require constant upkeep as well, or if it can be simply created and be done.

My method is rather internal, and thus hard to describe. It seems to be a matter of continual recursive bootstrapping, which is a rather curious thing, and makes me suspicious that my perception on this is flawed. Recursive bootstraps have a tendency to be frail and high-maintenance, and prone to sudden reversal.

However, I have yet to see any methods that seem better or more likely to work. Most seem thoroughly contaminated by junk, woo, outright falsities, social control structures, etc., that prey on a sort of mindstate naïveté. People will buy all the bullshit because it surrounds a few small cores of powerful forces, misattribute those forces to the bullshit, and get trapped in it (as well as making those core experiences unacknowledged reasons for rebuffing attempts to change their beliefs).

Obviously I'm not yet bodhisattva, so I don't claim to know everything. :-P

I think I have succeeded to a certain extent at making the calmness everpresent. Brilliance, not so much (I still feel rather stupid most of the time). Non-attachment, mostly... but still with traces (and sometimes major ones) of dissociation, which is certainly not desirable. And joy... that's still quite hard to keep fresh, but has been getting more and more easily triggered (and more strongly), which I think is a good first pass.

The problem is in keeping that mindstate in situations that would otherwise trigger a different one: strong stress, fear, depression, lust, etc. I'm not sure of any way to train this except through repeated exposure and entrainment, similar to standard phobia desensitization therapy, but with a different target mindstate.

The other problem is that it seems, from the default worldview, to be a mindstate that is effortful or draining. I still have this most of the time. It seems like this must be somehow mistaken, I'm just not yet sure why. Certain experiences, like grounding others, are - sometimes - not like this. They're self-powering. Sometimes they aren't. The difference may perhaps answer this question.

Hopefully at least some of that made sense to people not inhabiting my head.

I'd like to try maxing out multithreading. There are obviously lots of variables on this, but a preliminary basline would be something like this (on IM, with one person):

1,2 20 questions, bidirectional
3 renga
4 conversation about something interesting
5 + bidirectional / two-thread renga
6 + another conversation thread
... etc.

I am wondering where the breakdowns will start, and whether I will reach a point where I'm maxing out my cognitive ability. I haven't had that happen yet, except for practical matters of timeswitching, and for attempting to multithread voice with text (fairly hard).

Any takers?

What I really want to be is brilliant. More than what I am now; I still - as always in the last 15 years or so - have the strong sense that I am not nearly performing up to potential, and it irritates me greatly.

To do that, I know I need to coddle myself in one respect: I can't fake enthusiasm or interest. I'm not sure what else I need to accomplish that, though. Better general management skills and the like, no doubt, but that's always applicable. Is it just a matter of doing the same stuff everyone else has to do to get through life but with more initial talent, or is there something extra? Most discussion of others who've done it never gets past "omg he so smart" level "analysis", which really isn't helpful.

(There's that education point again: getting people within 2 s.d. of normal to be decently educated, productive adults is a relatively solved problem. Getting people in the top bit to be even more... is not. I guess I get to figure it out for myself, per usual. :-))


After all... I don't want to be merely good, damn it; anyone can be that. What's the point of having talent and just using it to be the same as everyone else, just more easily? No; I refuse. In this respect, arrogance be damned. It's been to long that I've waffled about that - half-knowing I'm smarter than most people, half-conflicted about really feeling it for fear of overweening arrogance. I'll need to figure out another way to solve that problem, as I don't want to be arrogant. But I need to stop the halfassery and instead seriously get to work pushing my limits.

That needs a plan. So here goes.


There are four basic elements to train: physical, mental, gnostic, and meta.

Physical

Start an exercise regimen that I can keep, and set up my environment in such a way as to ensure it will continue. A good start would be max-rep 2-set situps and pushups 3x daily - post-wake, midday, pre-sleep. That's ambitious enough for now; later I should consider adding work with weights and running, as my raw strength and cardio endurance are poor.

Nutritionally - my current diet is acceptable, but probably could be improved. Restart multivitamins. Perhaps protein supplement? Smoothies would be a good medium; stock up on frozen bananas, soymilk, vanilla ice cream, and random extras like Brussels sprouts, frozen fruit, etc.

Figure a way to ensure I get basic things like toothcare done daily. (I tend to forget, or not be able to act on it when I remember.)

Mental

My education has stopped, and I didn't really finish what I got at Berkeley. I can teach myself. Time to figure out what subjects I want to learn, acquire the appropriate textbooks and curriculum / problem sets / etc, and do it.

First off, I have several books on my desk that are pending my time - On Combat, ASL linguistics, ASL neuro. Read those.

What else should I queue up? Russian grammar; intermediate Japanese; intermediate neurosci; o-chem; Illuminatus!; Godel, Escher, Bach (need to get a copy first); CSET & CBEST practice tests; previous textbooks I only skimmed before; industrial design text. That's enough for now.

Gnostic

It's been too long since I practiced meditation specifically. I've succeeded somewhat in integrating it into my constant life, but I think it's time to go back to basics. So, half an hour a day of zazen. Get a simple kitchen timer for that so I don't need to have a time-monitoring thread distracting me.

It's also been too long since I regularly was out in the hills. So, every weekend as much as possible, take a few hours to wander (with a backpack, for better conditioning). With others if they're interested, but go alone if they're not.

Take at least a few hours a week to explicitly work on relationship maintenance; answering emails, re-establishing relationships I've let slip.

Meta

Clean up yet again. Go through all outstanding emails and papers and get them completely up to date and organized. Have things arranged so that everything has a Time and a Place so that nothing gets tossed aside to accumulate like it does now, but goes straight to where it should be.

Work 35 hr/wk. Plus 5hr/wk to search for, apply to, and interview for jobs more aggressively.

Remove email and similar items to a once-a-day check rather than constant; monitoring overhead is excessive and an easy timesink.


I think that's a good set for at least a few months' worth of work. It's really about fucking time I start doing this; I've coasted for long enough. If I want to be brilliant, I'll need to work on it.


Questions for the audience:

1. What am I likely to be lacking, as a vegetarian who mostly eats carbs & cheese? How can I most easily remedy any gaps? Anything to better support the exercise regimen?

2. What's the best task-planning / tracking / remindering software for Windows?

3. What are the best books I could read and may not yet have? Textbooks, nonfiction; possibly fiction if it's of the mind-changing sort.

4. How can I best make myself remember - and act on - things I need to do daily?