http://youtube.com/watch?v=dOoY2F81u6c

Thanks again to rmpalpha for some help in interpreting.

I made up two name-signs for it:
1. Thor - HAMMER with T
2. Zeus - LIGHTNING ending with S

For Ben.

( Embedded video & lyrics )

I had the most excellent dreams last night. Slept very very deeply. Rested.

I thought (in a meta-dream evidently) that I had written them down, 'cause I wanted to remember the details. But I didn't and thus have forgotten them.

There was one scene toward the end I remember; a semi-invisible horse made of flame with a stripe on his nose, I could hold the stripe somehow and make it visible, control it.

I assure you it made much much more sense in context. o.o

And Claire and my-Ben were there too. But I don't remember how they were involved. I think it was in separate dreams.

p.s. damn metadream, tricking me. and the laptop was right there. gr.

As I mentioned, I saw Hedwig last night. And I've talked to a few people who seem more or less strongly genderqueer, in both directions.

I'm not sure I quite understand it - the whole idea of gender as something salient. For most people it seems like a background guide for normativity - more explicitly so for guys trying to be 'masculine' and thus choosing whether to do something because it is or isn't 'masculine'; I haven't heard many girls say something equivalent to 'that's not something real guys do'.

Genderqueer folk are somewhat confusing to me in more or less the same way; they do have a salient gender they want to be more like (which perhaps doesn't happen to be the one they're born into), or maybe vacillate, or construct a new one from components of each, or aim for something specifically off spectrum. I don't know how much of this is for self and how much is impression management; probably always both to some extent because gender is so strongly influenced by how one is treated, so if one is treated as an X then it's nice if X is what one identifies as also. And if anything, it seems that trans folk are more likely to be more strongly gendered than nontrans; viz. drag queens often aiming for an over-the-top view of femininity, or butch girls aiming for something fairly macho.

I don't particularly find it confusing that they would have an identity that's not what they're born to, or that they would find things dissonant if identity and treatment or behavior don't match. That's totally understandable really. I just don't understand why the strong mental genderedness in the first place.

As for myself... I'm pretty definitely physically male, and have never wanted to be different. (It's a lot simpler, for one... poor uterus-bearers, getting kicked in the stomach a couple days a month just for having the option to then go through childbirth.) To the extent that I'm not completely dysmorphic*, I like my body. But nothing on the masculinity / femininity / genderfuck plane has an attraction for me. I don't think of myself as 'neuter' either, just... whatever-I-am, I suppose. It's not something that particularly affects me except when I extrospect like this.

I'm not sure how I compare to any of the usual genders; Audrey and V both described me a couple times as being some gender of my own, and they had more time to observe what I'm like naturally than most people. I find it rather hard to do that comparison myself for some reason. I've been told that the sort of stillness I have is a more masculine one, for being center-outward; that if I am arrogant, that it's an odd sort that doesn't seem to play the usual dominance / posturing games. For that matter, I don't seem to have an automatic monitoring sense of that meta-communication (which has been occasionally problematic); I mostly just try towards truth and understanding, not to have some effect on an audience. (This is probably something I should change, as it's rather maladaptive socially.)

* And I am sometimes very body-dysmorphic; it can feel like a very very strange shell with which to interact with the world, by which to be perceived, etc. I have never really felt comfortable with my reflection; it doesn't look like 'me', but then I have no good concept of what 'me' would look like either, so I can't say why it doesn't...

Generally I seem to be drifting more towards neutrality over time, with one exception: that simple-complex thing I refer to as "calm brilliance". That is something I very strongly identify with, feel dissonance when / inasmuch as I don't match it, and very intentionally try hard to shape myself towards. I suppose that's a lot like gender, ne? And it's a sweeping enough identity to be of the same scope as gender. This is far more central to my self-concept than anything else I can think of and so it's hard to overstate how important it is; perhaps that's why I often feel like I can't get others to understand "me". It's an unusual thing to identify by, and a hard one to explain or understand except through gnosis. Hmm.


It seems to me that this view of gender (or lack thereof?) is what "makes me" bisexual. Like most people, I generally am attracted to people who are similar-complementary to me (or who fit my self-concept at least). Gender is one aspect of that; I've always gone mostly for androgynes of one sort or another, people who aren't strongly gendered in any particular direction. Where they are gendered, I find it curious in about the same way as I would any other aspect of them I didn't identify with myself (like an interest in some hobby I don't share): something to learn from and about, and neutral to attractiveness.

I'm not sure how this meshes with my definitely increased recent preference for guys. Perhaps it's just sexual curiosity, but it doesn't seem so (though that's definitely an aspect; libido is running high lately); there is some aspect of gendered attraction specifically that clearly means I'm making some sort of male/female sex distinction, which means that my self-understanding of gender per above is missing something.... which makes me more curious.

Starting a relationship again feels... strange but very much what I want (difficult as it is to admit strongly wanting anything). Reminds me a lot of the beginning, with Audrey. Trying to keep some semblance of grounded nonattachment, but that's proving rather hard. I guess I'll find out how it goes, ne. It's been a long time since I heard someone call me きみ; still has the same effect. And all this is totally human/normal, but both very melty/enjoyable/restful, and dissonant with my stillness-identity. Confusing. Which explains why I (unusually) feel a need to talk it out.

WWBD? Meditate, recenter into calm brilliance, make all possibilities fully okay, and wait. *wry smile*


I wonder how often others have this sort of complex inner life. It's hard to tell; most people don't talk about it, and that doesn't tell me whether it's there or not. For that matter, I don't normally talk about it; most of it gets expressed here, as I find writing much easier than talking for most things, and very few people actually ask me questions that would get at it (and want to hear the answer).

I've been told occasionally by others that it's unusual, but they rarely are talking about themselves too, so it's hard to know if they're right or not. Maybe it's one of those things everyone thinks they're unique in, and most people are just not used to talking about.